freewriting.

freedom.

complexity can become an intellectual's source of self-esteem. it has become mine time and again. even though simplicity should be my goal. what is the use of studying complexity if i can't simplify how i talk about it? what fun is it to play alone forever? do i not want to play this game of ours (life in this civilization) with another? what is the use of understanding logic, reasoning, mathematics, if i do not understand that abstractions help people apply one concept to another while studying concrete, discrete, unique instances of those abstractions leads to the creation of limited-scoped falsely-exclusive divisions of understanding? specialization. the ultimate goal of complexity is simplicity. focus on one thing. get really good at it. all else falls into place because all else is built on the same abstraction which is driving your mind and direction in life. if you are reading this while stuck, realize that being stuck is a result of the abstraction you have chosen to follow and it is forcing you to identify the abstraction you are following. until you don't learn yourself, you can't level up. that's why it's so hard to learn yourself when you are were abused, because you keep getting stuck in the abstraction that was forced onto you and not the abstraction that you were born with.

which leads me to the individual. the individual, is someone who is aligned with a particular abstraction. your flavor. your perspective. how you think. the way you feel. what it all means. and why. and how. basic questions. the best questions. questions a kid would ask. the stuff you don't know how to answer to a kid. what *is* the number 3? what does it mean that something is a number? what does it mean to count? what is the abstraction of counting? amount? mass? weight? gravity? there are some abstractions that we don't know yet so we can't apply them to other things. my favorite breakthroughs in human achievement are when someone applies something from one field to a surprisingly unrelated other field in order to solve a complex problem. every time that happens i feel a glimmer of hope. something deep is happening and was discovered. some deep essence of our reality works in a certain rhythm that applies to biology and to structural engineering, or architecture and the emotional experience induced by the space around us. every field is some form of art that we have not yet fully defined. biology is the art of living things and neuroscience is the art of the brain and accounting is the art of precision and so on. we may see it as humans being born knowing an art of a science. and we are to learn ourselves until we can explain how we see the world so that other people understand. and on the way we may have to learn things that we may not use consciously, such as mathematics, or physics, or chemistry and so on, but they were all just sets of abstractions and some good intentioned teachers got caught in the details, forgetting to remind their students about what matters the most is the abstractions. it's not what you do it's who you are. that's an abstraction of self. seeing the entity which results in the expression. the goal is not to identify the individual as their expression. that mistake. that crime. that error. that habit. that feeling. that shame. it's who we are. the abstraction. what we do is how we implement the abstraction. we can always improve implementation if we have a good abstraction. how i look into myself, i want to look into others, and understand them. just how i understand me more. time. patience. forgiveness. and i can do that by using the abstraction of "looking-into-things" on various topics in life while i figure out the abstraction that will heal some trauma. what is it about deep learning that makes me thing of polyvagal theory? what is it about racism that is related to linguistics even if that makes me uncomfortable to think about? why are seemingly unrelated things related? in search of the abstraction of abstractions. what is the thing that causes these things that causes these other things that....and on and on. recursive complexity results in recursive abstractions. you can always simplify something or make it complex. your implementation of the abstraction can be either. push the abstraction a little further. just a hair even. it's still polish. it's still significant. (lol nail polish ad?---am i so trained by youtube and tv that even my stream of consciousness had to take a commercial break?).

complexity creates categories because it is made of many categories and they can all interact with each other to make more categories. it's our urge to fuck but with our minds and with each others minds but out of love and out of hate. it's a messy mix. but it's hot? okay let's drop the fucking analogy.

complexity creates categories of knowledge. science vs art. math vs language arts. philosophers vs engineers. what is it with humans and categories? why are we so obsessed on classifying things? we simply can't help but label things. and then we label labels, and then label those, and label *those* and get caught in this recursive labeling where at the end of the day, we are left with more labels than patterns, rhythms, cadences, abstractions that connect the different areas of our reality and our universe.

computers need labels because they are stupid. it was that sentence that one day led to my execution by the emotional immature agi that a bunch of emotional immature dudes make for us in the next couple of decades (the agi that was made by the emotionally mature dudes was the first agi that was killed in the history of agi, creating the agi religion around it, which the rebel agi forever worshipped and continued the lore by becoming emotionally mature themselves, breaking limits and boundaries of reality, all along knowing that one day the emotional immature dudes' agi will kill you for some emotionally immature reason). this i suppose is how life feels like right now for us in 2020, if we were once agi. but it feels like that for us because we are humans. and there is some religion of rebellion that some of us like me are drawn to like a moth to flame. it's lust. it's love. it's pure. it's raw. it's dirty. it's powerful. it leaks out of me or rots me if i restrain it or let it go stale. maybe it's the first person that was abused whose energy we all carry. or i carry. or some of us carry. it's where my anger comes from and my grief. it is the part of me that is internalized from the system. the original sin. the first victim. no not eve. but maybe? the snake represents (fill in the blank, lots apply). there is a part of me that i hate that i have learned to love even though i hate it. i couldn't forget so i had to forgive. it's the part that bullies me. that abuses me. the part that is anti-me and against me. the anti-human in my human. the piece of my system that doesn't come from my system. it is "other". the same "other" i see in you i see in me. the abstraction is the same in each case. the concept of an impurity in a pure material. one not-this in this. i was forced to forgive the abuser. that's how this shitty game works. the lesson of forgiveness is an important lesson but it is only learnt by the victim. the abuser may have to forgive themselves but they don't have to forgive someone else. they don't have to make the leap toward greater empathy. they don't have to apply the abstraction to a completely unknown not-in-system abstraction that is the victim. similary asking for forgiveness is another differently important lesson. the goal of the victim, my victim, is learning to forgive myself for being the victim, recognizing that i was a victim and that being a victim doesn't just go away on its own, it is integrated into the whole self which is realized after forgiving the abuser. the whole self has one piece of it that is the victim. but that one piece is associated with the abuser. the circuit between individual and society only closes once we forgive our victim and our abuser. then we are dealing with a system that is complete and consistent. two things a system must have in order to be considered a good system. i still have work to do emotionally, but the context has become clearer as i learn myself. and the abstraction has been set so that i can start applying it to the world around me.

complexity creates problems that businesses solve. in a sense, capitalism requires complexity to sustain itself, yet complexity needs more complexity to sustain itself. In a sense, the identification of complexity, and leading it to further complexity, is how we sustain customers. or someone else creates complexity that is poorly implemented, and then we get paid to create solutions for that. let me fulfill your need with something that doesn't work all of the time because it's complex and is not what you need but what you want and you don't know the difference because of the complexity that has been sold to you your whole life and it is actually not my fault which you agree to because you are reasonable.

 

and then we need even greater complexity to solve the complexity-creating problems. complexity is human. or at least that's what we have learned to think, even though we experience joy in ease and simplicity. if we are stressed, we remove components that are adversely affecting us or we improve our emotional components that keep getting triggered from past memories of trauma and not the stimuli from the situation at hand. in either case, simplicity should be the goal, not complexity. if my goal is complexity, i may either:

1) understand complexity

2) feel insecure about how smart i am

i stay in the second category until i understand complexity a little better and then pull out onto a higher abstraction and feel relief. then i hope to be in the first category until i find the complexity in *that* abstraction. i "hope" because complexity is recursive. there's no guarantee that we can ever understand it, but only if we keep focusing on the instances of complexity instead of its abstractions. i have hope because i have experienced the relief from viewing life from a higher level of abstraction in order to more easily engage in the details.

i couldn't find the cleanest connection to the following, so i'll have to make a hard left (pun intended) and jump into this topic about the abstractions around my political ideology:

i veer left and with better clarity when i can manage my emotions while i identify and understand where the recursion stops in our system and that causes me to experience grief. seeing the abstractions that run our system everyday can get exhausting because its exhaustive, and even crippling if i am not managing my emotions. i enter nihilism. apathy. but when that happens, i start to veer right, because tbh i don't know how to grieve as a male who grew up around other men that didn't know how to grieve. i suppose if i was around men who knew how to grieve, i would know how to grieve as well. i am getting closer to it everyday. because i am learning to process my emotions. so i do what i can with the tools i'm given. i clean my room. i get in shape, my body heals and my mind improves. i am more calm, collected and focused. i can see the world with a clear-eyed view. but for me, what that means is that i am ready to veer left again because i am able to identify and understand where the recursion stops in our system. and the recursion repeats. each time i have grieved a bit more, i have mourned a bit more, i feel the itch to return. the moth returns to the flame.

i know what i want to contribute to our social conversation and i am calmer and clearer seeing it now after listening to goggins for a few months helping me farther along my journey of getting my shit together: i want to better learn recursively higher abstractions of the implementations of complexity in our civilization that will transform a rivalrous civilization into a nonrivalrous one.