freewriting.

i am pulled to this page by some force driven by my desire. i had some thought come across my mind in a dream and it felt just right. something about the meaning of something. it was a good feeling. i wonder if i will have that thought again. i wonder what it means either way.

i'm re-reading terry real's book "i don't want to talk about it: overcoming the secret legacy of male depression". it's an easy read for me for reasons i don't really know. it just feels right. he reminds me of bell hooks. probably because she references his work. the way he contrasts from freudian psychology (if that's what it's called) reminds me of viktor frankl. in a poetic-spiritual-emotional way, frankl's message of finding meaning amidst unavoidable suffering reminds me of abraham hicks. and lastly, hicks' idea that you cannot access certain psychological regions when you are blocked with anxiety reminds me of kurt lewin's topological psychology.

i read a tweet last night, something about how industrial research is just that--research to further industrial goals of a business. this was contrasted to academic (albeit flawed but) freedom. i also think about how industry is where livelihood is at stake, while academia is where livelihood is padded with privilege. that's a good thing by the way. i want all of us to have more privilege to access opportunities that we are drawn to pursue. like artifical intelligence, or any technology, privilege becomes inherently maladaptive within a maladaptive system.

i wonder what viktor frankl would tell us today. how we would advise us to balance the experience of abundant meaning in life with organizing around our demands for human rights. i think i have a judgment that protest is inherently associated with stress, anxiety and victimhood. that can't be true. like privilege, protest depends on the system within which it is applied. it is inherently adaptive within a maladaptive system.

i question my ability to understand truths without the context i've lived in our civilization. some might say the only truth worth knowing is that which you can apply. but i think the term "applied" seems to be associated with production or profit in our society. i'm more interested in creation than production. creativity over productivity, so to speak.

the first known use of the word "produce" was "to offer to view or notice" (source) in the 15th century. the word comes from the latin producere meaning to lead forward. there is a certain velocity to the word produce which is not there with create. create was also first used in the 15th century, meaning "to bring into existence". the roots are variously derived from the latin creatus, creare ("to bring into being, beget, give birth to, cause to grow"). there is an element of life associated with create that's missing from produce.

this makes me question the obvious cultural association of birth with children. i like to think of all my creations as my children because they grow over time and take on a life of their own. why only think of ancestry in terms of bloodlines? one purpose of knowledge that can't be applied in industry is for it to be applied personally, creating an ancestry of knowledge which benefits future generations. i'm not sure if this is a hill i want to die on but it might be if i convince myself with a thorough analysis one day: only knowledge that can't be applied in (our current 2020) industry for a profit is knowledge worth advancing in order to create an infinite game in our society. provocative.

i feel a mix of a wave of peace wash over me and a pang of anxiety interrupt it when i think of sitting in an office in some beautiful campus somewhere, hopefully as beautiful as iowa state, performing research and writing about it for decades for the sole purpose that it may spark some light in someone's mind in the future. it feels too poetic to be worthy. it is probably my ideal future. i question these beliefs i hold. i also believe that there are motors of change in society that only exist in the workplace. worker rights are synonymous to human rights. every single human has the right to a place to live, things to eat, access to quality healthcare, education and a community to share it all and their contributions with. not in our current system, but in an adaptive one. an infinite game one.

it's a false dichotomy---industry and academic, bloodlines and knowledge, poetic and applied, worker and human. there are ways for me to integrate it all. a system of connections to the world which bring me that good feeling i had in my dream earlier tonight. industrial research aligned with what i think is adaptive. academic research that can be applied to improve worker and human rights.